Normal is relative.

And it's back to normal.

I'm using the term “Normal” really loosely here, given that every few weeks I get together with the Munsters' extended family to fight against horrible otherworldly monsters from another dimension. It's just that this time around I'm hanging out with local monsters as opposed to creatures from all around the world coming together for poorly organized expeditions into time-bubbles. I've re-read that last sentence three or four times now, and it still reads like I just started saying random crazy-people words. And yet, it makes sense.

I hate that it makes sense.

ANYWAY.

So it was a fairly low turnout tonight- I guess most of you horrible monsters were out doing horrible monster things, or something. There was some new dude named Michael or something- he was a friend of Dr. Watts'. He's a wizard, but like a different kind of wizard, I think? He's not a viking, at least.

But, no sooner do I walk into the citadel, I get a call from one of my Sources (I have a lot of those, for the record), letting me know that something weird is going down at this monster movie festival out in Katy. Naturally, I assume the worst, and I ask the gathered bunch: “Hey, anyone want to fight a dinosaur?”

Everybody volunteered.

So we all tool up and head out- and hell, because we were kind of shorthanded, even -I- went out on a fighty away team expedition (not to mention I got the lead to begin with). And, sure enough, there was a goddamn rubber dinosaur monster stomping out of a giant fucking Tear in the middle of a drive-in theater screen.

So we throw down, and we killed the shit out of the movie monster- at which point I should note that I actually pulled my gun and shot the thing and hurt it which proves I'm not totally useless. So we wrap up the brawl, and we close the tear, and that was the most action-y thing I've been part of so far. I mean, usually, I just dig around and come up with a brilliant plan and point some of you psychopaths at the bad guys.

Also, I kind of think that dude Sam, with the cowboy hat, is kind of bullshit. Like, he's a feelings wizard or something. So he was like “You know when you were feeling bad, when there was a giant monster trying to kill you, and a tear in the fabric of reality? I DID THAT.” And then “Oh, and you know when you felt kind of proud of yourself when we killed the monster? I DID THAT TOO.” Seriously, dude's like the Heart-kid from the Planeteers. Feelings are not a superpower.

So we get back to the Citadel, and...well, The Captain wants to talk to us. Yeah, that guy. See, after the shit went down in Redemption, he wound up in our custody. Local matter, that is. So, he laid out just what he did, which was this:

The Captain was from Redemption, TX- so when Redemption got Quarantined, he forgot where he was from, who his family was, and even his name. He went on doing MIB shit for the One World Government or whatever, until a Spirit of Secrets (that's a thing?) showed up and told him where he was really from.

The Captain then procured a Null Zone Generator, and performed a ritual called a Long Walk which allowed him to go into a Quarantine zone. However, the gimmick is, the Null Zone Generator allowed him to create a way OUT of the Quarantine zone, allowing several trapped Accordists (like that Mr. Kent vampire dude) to escape.

Thing was, he fucked it up, which culminated in the whole goddamn country having to go to Redemption TX to fix it (see previous blog entry).

So, the Captain is chilling in an undisclosed location, as we figure out what the hell to do with him. However, here's the thing...we don't know who sent the Secret Spirit to The Captain in the first place. It had to be somebody with some serious goddamn mojo, and it PROBABLY was someone who knew what Quarantine was...which means somebody on the National Council. I never trusted the National Council to begin with, because, you know, THEY HAVE A DRACULA, but nobody listens to New Guy.

We're still trying to figure out what to do with The Captain as he awaits trial in the aforementioned Undisclosed Location.

Once The Captain laid all that out, we sort of milled about for a bit, discussing the matter- until we found out that Luke (that new guy from last month) was now a Demon (dumbass) and he also had a Tear in his Brain. Michelle and Michael the Wizard Inception'd into his head, though, and fixed it, I guess? At least that's what they told me. I have no idea what you Things are doing half the time.

Oh, and January announced that she's leaving us forever. I think it's because the magnets in her head are turned the opposite way from the magnets in Apophis' head, so that makes them repel each other or something. Fucking Frankensteins, how do they work?

But yeah. Just another day of horrible adventure, I guess. I'm sure something worse will come up in may.

Things always get worse. 

Operation: Redemption

West Texas is an awful place.

Then again, I'm beginning to think that everything is terrible everywhere, what, with a horrible demon-cult conspiring to tear down the fabric of reality and all. I really hate west Texas. I have my reasons. Very, very good ones.

But I went anyway.

Part of it was morbid curiosity, part of it was the opportunity. It's not like I'm going to Costa Rica or Tokyo or any other of those hotbeds anytime soon. I can't afford the airfare, and from what I've heard, I sure as hell don't wanna go.

So I grab my gun and my camera, and head on out to this hotel out in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't the only one from the Cavalry there, thank god. In no particular order: myself, Jaques, Michelle, Apophis, Barrett, Dr. Jones, Cora, Mary the Ghost-Witch Lady, Mr. Scalpel, Dr. Watts, Dr. Watts' buddy whose name I forget, and, of course, Brayker. Ethan and some of the Lake Charles murderhobos were there too.

And then there was everybody else.

You know that scene in Star Wars, where they go into the space bar and see all the crazy-ass monsters hanging out? It was like that, only with less booze and shittier music. Note: somebody important work on this for the next big apocalyptic throwdown.

I'm not sure if some Thing was blurring the picture, or if I'm just a shitty photographer.

By my figure, I saw: Werewolves, Vampires, Frankensteins, Ghost-Zombies, Wizards, FBI Agents, Ninjas, Demons, Changelings, and some guy who looked like Darth Maul. (I'll stop making Star Wars references, I promise). There were probably even more Things running around that I missed due to the feeling of impending doom bearing down on me. Must have been at least a hundred “people” there, from all over the damn country.

The whole thing had been organized by one Mr. Warden (who, for the record, knew my name, which makes me wonder who's keeping dossiers on me)...and The Captain. Yeah, that one. I freaked out when I saw him roaming around, because who wouldn't? I guess he figured out that he fucked up the Quarantine when he broke it?

So this makeshift supernatural army assembled to make shit right, so the hordes of Abominations wouldn't come screaming out of the time-space-tear-thingies. I know there's a better term for it but I'm honestly afraid if I start researching the proper terminology my brain will explode.

It was a simple plan, as far as these things go. Mr. Warden would do his wizard shit to shift the entire hotel (and the poor bastards in it) into the Quarantine pocket dimension whatever. At that point, it was up to us to fan out and collect these crystal-whatsits that were part of a null zone generator so we could seal the tears and now I'm giving you the plot of a video game.

There was a time limit, of course. See, since things are all Groundhog Day inside a Quarantine, you have the advantage of knowing exactly when and where things are going to happen. Which meant we knew a slavering horde of abominations was coming for us a little after midnight. We could see everything going to shit outside- fires in the streets, abominations chasing down pedestrians; it's a glimpse of what's going to happen if we fuck up and lose this war.

This map was pretty much the extent of the planning we had. That's one map for a good hundred people. We had enough firepower to conquer a small eastern European country, but nobody thought to set up a powerpoint presentation. That's how organized the Accord is, people. We're doomed.

...which, of course, meant it took us like two goddamn hours to get parties organized and sent out. Seriously, it was fucking embarrassing. Everyone was wandering around either trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, or crowding around the Big Kids table and yelling for things to happen. Some dude named Dave from the Vault was nominally in charge,

You know how bad it was? I almost went tearing off with Ethan to start Doing Shit. I was instigating, even. Ethan, the paramilitary zombie ghost was impressed with me. Do you know how terrifying that is?

So after dithering around for entirely too long, the Munsters family reunion split into three groups to pursue three different targets:

Team A went downtown to go toe to toe with some giant abomination.

Team B went out to a suburb full of brainwashed people.

Team C went to a refinery crawling with flammable oil-monsters.

I went on Team B, along with about thirty other Accordists. We blundered around like so many drunken cats, splitting up into smaller sub-squads as we went. Apophis and Jacques managed to find the crystal gizmo, though, so good on them.

While our mission went smooth-ish, the others didn't. People died. Barret died. Mary died.

Kinda.

See, whenever one of ours got killed inside Redemption, they'd get spit right out of the same portal that Mr. Warden used to keep in contact with us from the real world. Don't ask me how this works because I'm not a fucking wizard. Magic is inexplicable bullshit like that. I think they're gonna keep Barret in a cell for a few weeks and poke him with sticks in case he mutates or something.

The three teams returned to the hotel with no time to spare- Cora pieced the pieces of the crystal together, which made a bunch of Things squirm and bitch (it was a null zone, maybe?) until she threw it into the portal.

Finally, we got a message back from Mr. Warden- there needed to be a sacrifice. See, there were seven Accordists in Redemption when it first got Quarantined, so there needed to be seven when we closed the tear. Seven people, doomed to fight and die, day after day, because that's how Quarantine works. There wasn't any shortage of volunteers.

Here's who stayed:

Daniel Kiev, from Boston.

He Who Takes All

Slide, from San Antonio

Nathaniel, from Redemption

Garn

Chance Master, from Lake Charles

Frankie Miles, from Lake Charles.

It's funny, as earlier that evening, I asked Frankie what kind of Thing he was. He told me he was a superhero.

I'm inclined to believe him.