This is why I live in the citadel.

It's getting worse.

I'm not being cynical here. Or, well, I am being cynical, but it's entirely justified. Seriously. Every time I show up for one of our official meetings, we have a new batch of fresh Things (whose names I'm omitting out of a 'sense of security,' but mostly 'cause I couldn't quite remember. Like there were two vampires and some more changey-things, one of whom was a dragon? I dunno), newly inducted into the wonderful knowledge that there are untold horrors lurking in the unknown shadows, waiting to kill you and eat your souls. Or, soul-equivalents, for all of you fucking monster-things reading this. I don't know how it works.

Speaking of how things work, apparently Mya and those other changey-creatures have bizzaro-clones. Or, well, they HAD them, until they tracked them down and murdered them because, uh...reasons. Miss Tomorrow hocked the corpses on the other side of the Hedge, from what I heard, and I hope she got something good for them?

Now, you may say, “New Guy (and I will call you New Guy despite the fact you've been here longer than I have), what do bizzaro fairy clones have to do with anything?”

This is a good question.

You see, here's the thing. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I was normal once. Or, well, I'm still normal, it's just now I know stuff that I'm not supposed to. And it all stems down to four words: Shit Is Out There.

And that shit just came home. Or, uh, to my house. See, about a week ago, when things started getting cold in town, things got...weird at my apartment complex. People started being kind of...busy. Curt, even. Like they had better stuff to do than say hi. Now that, you can blame on the standard degradation of 21^st century society, fine.

But then I noticed the heat. Like, everyone started rigging up space heaters everywhere. It got to the point where the basement laundry room was like a sauna.

And on top of that, everyone was humming Michael Jackson's bad. In harmony. Seriously, you could walk from one room to the other, and completely different people were humming the tune over and over again. I managed to fight off the weird ear-wormy meme through the force of my indomitable will, but it looked like everyone else was under the spell.

Based on the data I had (everyone making the apartment building stupidly hot), I asked myself who would want such high temperatures, and so I came to the conclusion that my apartment building had been taken over by lizard people. What, with the cold blood and all.

When I presented my concerns to the Cell at large, people laughed at me.

Given the fact that I presented this intel to an audience of Frankensteins, werewolves, half-vampires, psychics, and lord knows what else...I was not encouraged by this reaction. It's like “Oh, our kind of weirdness is fine, but anything else is CRAZY.”

Does no one else see the cognitive dissonance here?

ANYWAY, we rounded up a posse of like a full dozen people, including all the newbies, which was a mistake (which I'll go into later), to investigate! And lo and behold, once we got there, and everyone saw how hot it was, and how everyone was humming the same damn song, people were like “Wow Peter, you were actually right!”

AS IF THIS WAS IN QUESTION. Seriously, I can't shoot lightning or any crazy shit, but if I know anything, it's sniffing out weird-ass shit, which is why I'm hanging out with you guys.

In any case, what started as a routine recon mission (with a cunning cover story courtesy of yours truly, I might add) turned into a straight-up clusterfuck. First, Li'l Zeus, one of the newbies, decided it was a good idea to turn out the power. I knew I should've left his ass back at the base once I saw him hauling around a fucking poleaxe. I can appreciate that one needs something big and stabby every now and again, but if that's all you have to contribute, find those missions that cater to your talents. We have those. Seriously.

ANYWAY, once the power went out, all of the zombified humming people chased us right the fuck out of the apartments, which was fine...until Vampire Princess Selena (or something, if I got her name wrong, I don't really care) decided it was a good idea to DRIVE HER CAR INTO THE CROWD OF INNOCENT BRAINWASHED PEOPLE. Aren't we supposed to have rules for not drawing attention to ourselves in stupidly hyperviolent ways? Just saying, Things. 

But then her car caught on fire, so I guess that serves her right, crazy bitch.

But yeah, a tactical retreat was in order. And if that wasn't bad enough, my apartment caught on fire as well, and along with it most of my worldly possessions. Now I could be enlightened about it, and look at the silver lining, and say that nothing that was there couldn't be replaced...but on the other hand, most of you seem to fucking laugh at my dismay- and shit, for all I know, maybe you're eating my despair like delicious emotion-cake, because that's how monsters work, I dunno.

But that's the story of how I'm now living in the Citadel with little to my name but a (now empty) bottle of vodka and the Director's Cut of Willow on DVD. I may be a little bit bitter. But, uh, I had a least two women offer to let me crash at their places, due to my rugged and roguish charm, so silver linings, I guess?

I still hate pretty much all of you.

And yeah. In other news, we sent a bunch of the stabbity guys (including that bunch of murderhobos from Lake Charles) into the sewers, where they murderized two Abominations made out of crayons. So yay for them being productive, I guess?

But yeah. I've moved into that room on the corner. Stay out.

This was the worst Halloween ever.

For me, at least. Do you know why? It's because in years past, all I had to worry about was finding the right party and wearing some cheap costume so I could go get drunk and hit on girls dressed up like sexy whatevers. Like one year, I ran into some girls who were done up like the sexy three little pigs, which is kind of weird, but I wound up with phone numbers for two out of three, and that's not bad, right?

And yes, I know Halloween is a holiday that celebrates being scared and everything, only in a fun way. You know, somebody in a mask jumping out at you to make your girlfriend all grabby, not in the 'holy shit I could actually die here' kind of way. Which is exactly what I thought on at least two occasions that night. But maybe that's normal for you people. And to be fair, nobody died, so that's that.

Oh, and thanks to everyone who brought food and snacks and stuff. Even Apophis chipped in (and thankfully his contribution was still sealed from the store). And the best part is, it was all, like, normal people food! The leftovers are in the fridge in the corner, and we've got enough candy to give you diabetes, so any of you people crashing at the Citadel help yourselves.

So we began the evening with a memorial service to Elias, the fairy-guy who showed up last month...and then got himself eaten over in Lake Charles. To tell the truth, I never really knew the guy, but at least he went down fighting the good fight, right? And I guess he's kind of a lesson to the rest of us- something to keep us all on our toes, y'know? Or maybe the lesson is just 'don't go to Lake Charles, 'cause shit is fucked over there.'

Moving on, I went ahead and set up a party game- namely, we watched the Steven Sommers classic, Van Helsing, with two bits of posterboard available for those in the know to mark what the movie got right, and what it got wrong. I've included the results below, for posterity. Apparently the movie got more wrong than it did right. Who knew?

But! It wasn't just a social evening (it never is a social evening). So, as best I can figure, here's what happened:

1. THE FREAKY GOBLIN KID

So apparently, somebody threw a lot of fake blood around the place, and set up some cheesy horror music, and otherwise caused some trouble. After the good Dr. Jones did some investigating, it turned out that this was due to the fairy-portal-thing in the girls bathroom. A landing party consisting of yours truly, Miss Tomorrow, Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones' big-husband, and two of the fairy-girls who came over with Elias went in to check it out. And by 'in' I mean we went THROUGH THE GODDAMN MIRROR. And, for the record, I hate fucking Lewis-Carroll-Whatever-Land. I only saw like the reverse-world of a run down bathroom, and it was still terrifying. Just all backwards and...not right. Turns out that the pranks were done by some horrible little midget-creature, which someone told me was a Hobgoblin later. Miss Tomorrow talked to the thing, and it ran away, and then we got back to real-people-land and broke the mirror and that was that. I think we may have to go to a 'no mirrors' policy in the Citadel, just for saftey's sake.

2. THE MISSING MORTAL KID

So around 9:45-ish, I get a call from a guy who knows a guy over in the HPD, and it turns out one of the dudes on Wayngro's CUT list just filed a missing person's report on his son, last seen around Emmanuel Park. Miss Tomorrow also had a vision on said kid, and said he was dead...but that didn't quite work out to being so accurate, as when we sent a bunch of guys out to investigate, they brought the kid back. Alive, that is. From what I gathered, they had to go to hell to get him, or...something? I really don't know. We've got the kid secured and sedated for the time being, and soon wiser men than I will figure out what the hell to do next.

3. THE NULL ZONE

So, null zones are A Thing? They're actually kind of interesting, as within said zone, that cancels out supernatural mojo, which means it falls onto boring normal guys like Yours Truly to actually get shit done. So yeah, we checked out a Null Zone out in Katy, and for now, it's taken care of. If you want further details, talk to Brayker, as I'm leaving a lot of this in his capable hands.

4. CORA HAS WEIRD SHIT

So this might not have been a proper 'mission,' per-se, but I figured I'd put the word out that our lovely quartermaster Cora has managed to get her hands on a whole pile of whack-ass goodies from Red Tape. Go talk to her in order to get details. Though it's worth noting that they're doing kind of a prioritizing sort of thing, where the more useful you are, the more cool shit you get. Except for me, that is. I think they're just giving me widgets to keep me alive.

So yeah, that's all what happened. Rest assured, dear readers, I'll keep you posted of later developments as they arise. From a safe distance, at least.  

A Night in Lonesome October

What's funny is, I actually haven't read that book, but it seemed like a good title.

Anyway, how's Halloween work with you Things? Like, is there a reason we celebrate Vincent Price movies and slutty nurse costumes and stuff in October, or is it just one of those things you have to put up with like Irish people do on St. Patrick's day? Like, in Ireland proper, people go to Church and stuff for St. Patrick's day, where over here it's just an excuse to get drunk and fight. Whereas Halloween's an excuse to get drunk and pick up girls in non-canonical Batgirl outfits, which is what I did last Halloween, before I met all of you, and it was the best Halloween ever.

But I digress.

Anyway, Cora told me to organize a Halloween party, which is something The Voice does, I guess? So here we go:

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26th,
7pm - Whenever
At "You Know Where"

We're going to have ourselves a proper Monster Mash. Only, y'know, with real monsters (read: you). Costumes are encouraged. Drinking is mandatory. I've already got food and drink covered, unless you're weird and drink virgin blood or unicorn tears or whatever, in which case it's BYOB.

I will, however, need some help from you guys otherwise. Here's some ways you can contribute:

SPEAKERS: Does somebody have laptop speakers or a boombox dock or something?
MUSIC: Somebody should make a Halloween mix. The more psychobilly, the better.
DECOR: Not that our secret base isn't creepy enough as is, but if we wanted to get, uh...festive, that'd be great.
POSTERBOARD: We need two big-ish sheets of posterboard or something else we can write on, and markers to write on it with. This is for a Party Game.
A LAPTOP: Or at least a portable DVD player, also for the Party Game.
LOGISTICS: I'm probably going to be fashionably late to the Monster Mash, so I'm gonna need some help on your guys' end to get everything put together.

So yeah. Time to prove you have skills beyond 'violent murders,' folks! Not that violence isn't a good skill to have, but it pays to diversify in this day and age. You've got my e-mail address, get in touch with me to hack out the details.

Aaaaaand I'm out of whiskey now. Shit.

OOC:  So yeah, we're having a Halloween party! E-mail Peter's player if you'd like to help. Thanks!

Okay, so, I guess I should get to the good part, and let everyone know what the hell we've been up to. Or something. Unless there are CUT goons who have hacked into this list, but it's okay, 'cause those guys should know what we've been up to already, because we've been killing them in the face. Or something. And by 'we' I mean 'those dudes who are scarier than I am' which...means pretty much everyone, but I digress.

Anyway! I made it in late to the official gathering this past Saturday, so I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff, but whatever. We also had a shitload of new people, which didn't stop people from calling me “New Guy,” but that's how we roll, I guess. As far as I could gather, new people consisted of:

Elias: A fairy. Like, a fairy doctor, or something.

Maya: Also a fairy, who can turn into a bat I guess? She likes stalactites.

The other fairy girls: Uh, Michelle and Elaine? Or something? I forgot their names. They came through a hedge and didn't seem that freaked out when I told them they were pretty much doomed.

Ivan: He's good at killing things. He also got hella fucked up on vodka, which is pretty much the best response to the shit we're going through right now.

I'm probably missing some people here, but I didn't know I was The Voice until the end of the evening, so I wasn't really paying attention.

In any case, we DID get some shit done, it's worth noting. See, the Cell had recently acquired a 'dirty dozen' list of the top 12 most influential members of the Church of Ultimate Truth in H-town. And I guess we're pretty damn straightforward, 'cause we're working that shit like a grocery list.

First off, some wizard-y dudes and a dead (ish) guy from Lake Charles went after a city Councilman who was on The List. See, said Councilman had a thing for whores, and, after a bit of journalistic guidance from Yours Truly (purely professional, I might note), they were able to track the Councilman down, beat up an Abomination, and then they did some crazy Jedi mind trick shit to his brain so the CUT won't have their tentacles in him anymore. Oh, and also they managed to close a Tear, which is pretty damn impressive. Apparently, the way to close a Tear is by having LOTS OF FEELINGS, which kind of strikes me as some Captain Planet My Little Pony Friendship Heart Magic Shit, but what the hell do I know?

Meanwhile, our werewolf buddies hit up the Deputy Chief (who was also on the list), beat him up, and threw him in a truck, at which point some of our more brain-y individuals will do horrible things to him in order to get intel but I guess that's okay 'cause the dude was a bastard to begin with. I hope.

Also, at some point, Miss Tomorrow's reflection kidnapped her out of the ladies room, which I guess is a thing that can happen? But then she came back, because of all the fairy people we had present, I guess? I don't know how this shit works. Either way, I've taken the precaution of duct-taping black construction paper over all the mirrors in both the mens and ladies restrooms.

So at the end of the evening, we all made it back in one piece (which is damned impressive, when you think about how often we went off half-cocked), at which point various appointments were made- Apophis (I don't know how to spell his name right- that creepy one eyed bastard) is now our new Guardian, Ash is still our Ritualist, I think Cora's our Quartermaster, and Yours Truly is The Voice. And Brayker's in charge, of course, but we all knew that already.

Oh! And we've officially named ourselves the 42'nd Cavalry. Or maybe just The Cavalry, for short. Because history. And Texas. I'm just a little worried though 'cause now I'm afraid every other city is going to wait for us to pull their asses out of their proverbial and/or literal fires now, just for thematics sake.

And that's that, I guess. Keep fighting the good fight, you horrifying monsters.  

Yes, this is A Thing (Or: An Introduction)

9/29/13

You people are terrifying.

Seriously. Have none of you actually stopped and considered this? Half of you are bona fide Universal movie monsters (Werewolves and Frankensteins, mostly) and the other half of you are just inexplicable X-files monster of the week shit.

Well, except Brayker. As far as I can tell, he's just a normal dude, and he's even worse, 'cause he's got the MIB on his speed-dial, and doesn't think twice about knowing just who to call when you need to get spattered ichor out of the drywall. Seriously, it's like getting dry cleaning for him. Which I guess is a good thing in our line of work. Thanks boss!

And you know what the worst thing is? As whacked out as you bastards are, the alternative is EVEN WORSE. Which is why I'm sitting in front of my computer right now, hammering out these lines, because SOMEBODY needs to know. Or, well, if you've got the right passwords and clearances and shit, you already know more than you need to know, and...yeah. You know how it is.

Either way, it was somebody's sick joke to appoint Yours Truly as 'the Voice' of our cell, which tells me someone's either got a shitty sense of humor or we're actually that desperate or maybe they just want to find a way to keep 'normal guy' busy.

However you spin it, I'm like three whiskeys in right now, so joke's on you! I went ahead and set up this blog to serve as a tool for the cell, you know, for announcements and warnings and other crap that will hopefully keep you alive. I honestly have no idea of what I'm dealing with, here, so I'm just gonna call it as I see it.

Fuck me, I need another drink.